Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I can't exhale........

I am writing this negativity because really I have nowhere else to put it. All of the words are in my head and they have to come out somewhere so since this is my blog about this deployment I am placing them here. I feel like I am going to explode. The sadness surrounds me like the dew on a flower after a spring rain. I cannot stop weeping. The tears just come and come and never stop. Strong is not a word that I will admit to willingly right now because if I am busy and with people other than my daughter, I am fine. But if I am with her all I see is him. And for record, that girl is a grouch these days. I know it's the adjustment to him being gone and we are on each other's nerves greatly but dear Lord, my patience is tested by the minute for that red headed, green eyed beauty. I have never loved two people so much or thought that it be possible to do so. I feel bad for crying in front of her, I am sure it drives her nuts, but I can't hold it in. It seriously is like an involuntary movement such as breathing. Until you are in my position, don't judge. What people don't understand is this is my first deployment as a wife. I've been the soldier, he has been the sailor, but we have not been this military family for ten years. For ten years, I was selfish, he was all mine, I got to call him at any given time and dared anyone to get in my way of getting to him. He was and is my very best friend in the world and I tell everything and I mean EVERYTHING to him. Some of our friends asked me once a year or two ago "do you guys tell each other everything? Like everything?" Heck ya, I do. And I miss that. We talked to, for and about everything together. I never realized how much I depended on him until this time period. WTC was nothing. AIT was nothing. I saw him every weekend. I have NEVER been away from him for more than four weeks maximum and even then when he was at Ft. Wood he came home all of the time or I could go there and have dinner if I wanted to. It is being told or actually NOT being told that I can't talk to the man that is my world that hurts so much. I know it's his job. I am supportive of that because I know how strongly I felt and still feel for the country that we live in but gosh darn it, I did NOT expect this. When I've had the other two people in my life that I was close to and they were in Afghanistan, both of them, had internet access at ALL times. I talked to them both more while they were there than I ever did when they were home. It's a joke at Leatherneck, they have NO comforts of home. I know they are at war but because it's a Marine base I feel like our guys got it stuck to them. I should not feel that way, and I am sure that in a few days it will change again. This is the most terrifying emotional roller coaster I've ever been on but this war sucks. Period. End of Story.

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